Be Free. Be You. What If?
I am sitting watching Iyanla Fix My Life and she has a house full of women that need to heal. I can identify with most of the issues that they have. I can understand how they did what they did and in some cases I can understand why they did what they did. I have been a Black Woman all of my life and as a Black Woman I have been taught that crying is weak. Asking for help is weak. Giving up is weak. So, I taught myself to be by myself even when I found the love of my life who is always willing to walk with me. The hardest thing that I have to do is to understand that he has my back. I am used to having my guards up and taking care of business. I am used to owning all of my mistakes and accepting the reactions of other people, good or bad. I own it. I used to apologize for everything, but one day I realized that I was apologizing for being who I am and that is not ok.
I have always been a straight forward thinker and as a result I have been a straightforward speaker. I am not saying that this is right or wrong. I am saying that this is who I am and I have apologized for it for years. I don’t do that anymore.
The other day a person that I would call a friend kept referring to me as mean and difficult for no good reason. It was a group conversation and every time we are in a group together this person makes it a point to try and discredit me to the other people. I noticed it and another group member noticed it and sent me a text asking what was up with the person. I just shook my head. I realize that in some instances I can be intimidating. I can’t help who is intimidated by me. It is not my intent to intimidate anyone.
I have another person that I called friend and she would always ask me questions and ask me for help and I was always willing. One day we were talking and I made a suggestion and she told me that I was a know it all. I could not understand that statement. Was my knowledge only good for when she needed it? Was I not supposed to have an opinion outside of her needs? I took a step back and decided that sometimes people should figure out their own shit. I stay quiet now. I don’t offer suggestions. I don’t speak on my experience. I don’t ask if people need help. I stay in my own lane.
After the death of my best friend, I shut a part of my heart down. I decided that I wouldn’t ever have another best friend outside of my husband. I will have friends and maybe even a sister friend or two, but never another best friend. I socialize just enough. I don’t have any expectations and I don’t offer any. Is this healthy? I don’t know. Does this work? I don’t know. I guess so.
I could look back at my life and attach actions to actions, but what good does that do? I no longer look back. Living with regrets will surely shorten your living. I live each day for what I can be and what I can make it. When I apologize now it is a sincere apology for an action that should not have happened and not for an action that is a true response for who I AM.
If you continue to change for people and because of people you will forget who you are and what you stand for. No one is perfect and God made us all. It doesn’t matter if we believe in God or not because he definitely believes in us. Freewill is God’s gift to you. If God wanted to control you then he would. Don’t let people control you. There is no error or grievance so large that God will not forgive it. NONE. Don’t let people of the flesh judge you because surely, the very thing that they judge in you is the thing that they cannot master in themselves.
Be Free. Be You.
What if we never met and God never opened my heart for you?
I probably wouldn’t be here.
What if there really was a word that stood for everything that I fell.
I know you’d be near
What if we joined our sous and melted our flesh together and created life?
I would be your wife.
What if you were my king and me your queen and we sat in Solomon’s temple?
It would be the gospel truth and love would be ours.
What if you never said good-bye?
What if I never had to cry?
What if you never left and my soul could never accuse you of theft?
I would rather die than to never have the chance to tell you that I love you.